I am awful at writing long-form fiction, which makes sense as I usually read and write non-fiction, and with my multimedia pieces capture real-life. All the time, almost any time I read a too-funny-or-crazy-to-be-true headline, create a countering satire headline in my head. Here’s a sample of a few of them.

Seattle Seahawks to Trade Away Entire Team for the First Two Days of NFL Draft

In the first two weeks of March, the Seahawks essentially announced they’re completely rebuilding their team after trading away their QB1 & WR1 (who requested a trade), and releasing their WR2 (for “salary-cap reasons“). This comes a year after a “mutual agreement” for Pete Carrol to resign was reached. At this point, the Hawks very much are looking to draft a lot of their starting lineup with their 10 picks in the NFL draft.
Update: Seattle has signed Sam Darnold on a 3 year 100.5 million contract. Perhaps this was the ‘salary-cap’ reason.

SCOTUS Takes Case to Decide if Electrocuting Gay Children is Protected Free Speech

Okay, this is just barely an exaggerated headline. But that’s still satire-adjacent! In actuality, the Supreme Court is oddly taking up a case which bans doctors from participating in so-called “Conversion Therapy” with LGBT+ minors. I say oddly, because the main issue states with bills like this in Washington & Colorado ban it mainly because it often involves so called shock “Therapy,” which if this bill is struck down, is only banned completely under the age of 16. To see how crazy this case is, and how it is attempting to side-step state legislatures with ridiculous legal doctrine, see that only 18 states and 4 territories have no laws regarding conversion therapy for minors. Only one state specifically supports it. Which, unsurprising to Broadway fans who have seen or heard Prom, is Indiana. No, this isn’t some 1950s law that should’ve been repealed already, this is as of 2023. Note to self: Don’t be gay in Indiana.

POTUS: “Today is Opposite Day”

After repeatedly just wrecking any sort of PR his cabinet members are attempting to do, such as Commerce Secretary Lutnick suggesting “there’s going to be no recession in America,” while Trump contradicts him by keeping the page open on the idea. Coming right after Lutnick said earlier last week on Tuesday there’s gonna be “none of that pause stuff” in possibly an emmy-worthy performance about many random-topics on Fox Business, and by the next day the statement aged like milk left on the counter when it was announced a 1-month pause on auto tarriffs, and then by Friday all tarriffs were paused.